Ok, I'm so bad right now...my wonderful husband took all 3 kids out for the day to the park and library and packed a lunch so I could have the entire day to myself to get a few things done. I didn't even have to ask him! The reason "I'm so bad" is because I'm blogging instead of using my time wisely and accomplishing my tasks but WHATEVER! :)

I need to make a huge pot of mashed potatoes for our Thanksgiving Dinner at church tomorrow, I get to practice using fondant for cake decorating b/c I'm making a cake for our Thanksgiving dinner dessert on Thursday. I'm excited to try this and I even bought wire...if you've seen Charm City Cakes you'll know what I'm talking about. I hope it's not a flop and I'm probably in way over my head but it'll be fun regardless. I also have some sewing projects to work on too. It'll be a fun day with all things I love to do.

But I figured I'd update you all on what's been going on the past few weeks. I'm extremely hesitant to talk about such things on here b/c in NO way SHAPE or FORM do I want anyone to worry about us or send us $$ or anything!! I'm serious. Okay we have that establised? Ok then. :) We've been living out of our savings account since August 14th when my husband was more or less forced to quit his job. We've applied for unemployment and were denied (I expected that though) and we appealed. The law states that if you "quit" your job for "just cause attribited to the employer" then you qualify for unemployment. That is exactly what happened. My husband, in no way shape or form, intended to quit his job. He felt no other option was available. Yadda Yadda Yadda...you've heard all this before. So we're living strictly out of our savings account w/ no further income whatsoever...except for $200 that he earned helping a guy from our church doing some work at the sewage plant. Nice. We are nearing the end of our savings account...forcasted out till mid January we'll be dead broke. When I realized that it's been over 3 months and there had been (up until 2 weeks ago) not even one single call back or anything but a rejection e-mail I began to panic. 2 weeks ago it looked like we had a job in San Jose, CA in the bag but that fell thru last minute. So needless to say earlier this week I had a meltdown of giganic proportion, on Facebook no less. I had walked around our house that day and was taking pictures of anything of value that we could sell on Craig's List and first on the list were everyone's beds. I figured the kids would think it was fun to sleep on their mattresses on the floor anyway. We've been waiting for it to snow (I know, I've NEVER said that before!) so we could sell our snowmobile assuming we'd get more for it once the first snow fell. It's been sunny and warm here...that NEVER happens! My thought ran wild and got the best of me and I melted down and freaked out. I had visions of us living on the streets.

People came out in droves and encouraged me and I was taken back by the strength it gave me...literal physical strength to realize that people had our backs and we were not alone in this. Not that someone is going to come along and pay our mortgage or anything...I'd never expect that, want that, accept that...but just that other people were really praying, not just saying they're praying, for us, people were e-mailing me job opportunities that they found, asking to distribute Chuck's resume to their contacts and giving me different tips and ideas to earn money and save money. I literally cried all.day.long. Happy tears with each and every e-mail, phone call and kind word sent. My neighbor followed up with tons of groceries for us from her church also. I was truely humbled to say the very least.

I SO wish I were the person going around giving gift cards and handing out groceries to people in need this holiday season instead of being a recipient. I hope you don't think I'm too prideful if I say that not in a million years did I EVER think "I" would be in this position. We are the savers...the ones who are so frugal with our money and the most crazy thing we've even spent $$ on was our cruise last March...ever. And here "WE" are in this mess. I still have to deal with those thoughts but now I'm seeing the horrible reality of this nasty economic mess that our country and especially our 'great state of Michigan' (sense the sarcasim) is in. I'm seeing that it's the "new poor". People who were just financially secure only a matter of months ago and now loosing their homes and vehicles. It's sad and it can happen to anyone and I'm no different. I'm extremely sensative to it now. I don't know how, once Chuck gets a job again, I could possibly ignore the problem and the people who continue to suffer from it. I can't. I have plans. We've learned how to live on not much and it's ok. I THOUGHT I was frugal before. I THOUGHT I knew how to hardly spend any money before. I THOUGHT I had reduced our budget down to bare essentials before. HA, HA, HA! NOW, I know how to do that. Not saying that everyone should live on the bare minimum...just saying that from now on I'm going to be extremely sensative to the needs of others around me. I'm not going to judge them and their situation to see if I find them or their choices 'worthy' of my hard earned money. Are they suffering? Are they hungry? I'm helping them.

I know that the Bible says that 'it's better to give than to receive' and I'm not one to argue with the Bible but I have taken a new found viewpoint on this concept. While I'm still more comfortable being the one who gives rather than the one who receives, still there is something...and I don't use this word lightly..."holy" about receiving. I say that b/c when you are in the position where you are not sure where your next meal is going to come from (and we were not and are not there yet) and someone comes and hands you a gift card to the local grocery store so that you can provide for your family and you know this particular person is not exactly wealthy themselves it changes a person. There is a depth of love that you feel bestowed upon you that another human being would come along and help you in your time of need and asking nothing in return for their sacrafice...I wish I had the words to describe how deep that touched me. It was literally like God Himself was handing me that giftcard. It changed me....forever. I again don't say that lightly. But I don't think I can ever forget how the acts of kindness shown to my family in this time by our friends (no not family) but our friends has affected me. I seriously cannot even begin to find appropriate words. And we were not even starving or hungry...we seriously have no immediate needs...our only need is for a job as our savings continues to dwindle. But we HAVE a savings...so many people do not. I know how much it touched me and blessed me I can't imagine literally having nothing and how it makes those people feel to have someone come along side you and say "you're not in this alone...how can I help?". The only word I have is "Holy".

On a much much brighter note...lol...Chuck tweaked his resume...oh I don't know, for the 89th time or so...lol...and once he had a revelation that he'd fit perfectly into the roll of Maintenence Manager he began applying specifically for those position within the Material Handling feild which is where his experience lies we've been getting calls!!!!!! We went 3+ months with ZERO calls and now he's gotten 3 phone calls with potential job that they are interested in him for! The first one was in San Jose, CA and it looked like he had that one but at the last minute a dude came in with more experience and they went with him. We were dissappointed but it was also that spark of hope we needed. Literally the day of "my online meltdown" as I affectionately call it...LOL...he got another call...for a Maintence Manager position for the Logan International Airport in Boston. Again, they sounded very promising and told him he fit perfectly and they've been looking for someone just like him ... all the same things the last one said. Boston would not be my first pick of cities to live in but then again...I've chosen to not have an opinion about it. We just need and income again period. This was also the company who had 2 openings...one in Boston and one in Honolulu, Hawaii. He's had 2 interviews with them and he was asked what location he'd prefer and my husband answered HONO...freaking..LULU! I know we joked about it but he seriously answered that. It has moved from the realm of possibility to a potential REALITY! After the interview with the HR Senior Manager was over he said to Chuck "now when you get off the phone from an interview such as this and especially in your situation of having been out of work for a while, your wife tends to ask you "how'd it go?" and I want you to tell her that this interview went well...really well."!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH...I'm freaking out!!!!

There is a possibility that we could go from me walking around my house trying to figure out which of our prize possessions we can part with so we can pay our mortage for an extra month to possibily living in one of the most desired vacations spots!!! Talk about an emotional rollarcoaster. Sheesh!

The more research I do on Hawaii the more I get excited...duh right?!...it sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime. New foods, new culture, new areas to explore, the history alone and this sounds right up my family's alley. We are always up for adventure anyway.

So I'm not trying to jump the gun, he's not hired yet but it's just one of those things that it's fun to think about and dream about and in the midst of the past almost 4 months of being unemployed...my brain could use a little dreaming and happy thoughts to think on! :)

We also remembered that we do have our 401K money that we could use...TRUST ME...that is not exactly what we want to do with that $$ at all but it is there if we need it. So we are ok and you do NOT have to worry about us but if you could pray for us for a JOB to come I'd really appreciate that. When Chuck gets another job, this whole mess goes away...it's all about timing. And God is really good at coming thru at the last minute...LOL...seems to be His specialty. :)

And I reitterate that I DO NOT want $$ from anyone...I'll take the risk of sounding presumptious in saying that all the while thinking someone might think "boy she sounds confidant that people she only knows from her blog would even do that" but I do know you guys and I do know that we are all more than just mere "blog friends" and I know you all have big hearts and care about us. But I really wanted to share my heart on this and have avoided doing so for a while b/c I did not want to be preceived as a begger or that I was soliciting $$ in any way. I assure you I'm not and if anyone did do something like that...I'd send it back anyway. So pray for us and if you see a family around you hurting from a job loss or anything...please give them a gift card to the grocery store...even if it's just $10...I promise you that it will renew their hope and HOPE is the best gift you can give anyone in need.

Okay, so it's been 10 days since I wrote my tribute to Grover. I just re-read it and re-lived that day. I did not cry. This is good. I still miss him bucket loads but I'm healing and that is good. That pain was so intense that I was begining to wonder.

Something that has helped me to heal was getting another doggie. We ended up getting another Golden Retreiver only 2 days after Grover passed away. The reason was b/c the only time I ever stopped crying was when I was online looking for another dog. I knew it was somewhat of a snap decision but I was such a mess there was literally no stopping me. LOL! While we wanted to get us another Golden puppy, we just could not swing that expense right now. They are $400 plus vet bills. I ended up finding an ad online for a "Free Golden Retriever" that was 5 years old, purebread, a female and white in color. She was 2 hours away from us and I had to do some fancy talkin to get this lady convinced she needed to give her doggie to US...but she bought it! Ha! We drove out to get her sight unseen b/c a golden is a golden right?...wrong! This dog looked so homely and so different that Grover. Partly b/c Grover was such an abnormal looking golden and partly b/c she had been an outside dog that stunk and was in desperate need of a bath and a haircut...both of which we gave her pronto. She was super shy and skittish and only responded to the kids...she'd 'hit the deck' if we stuck our hand out to pet her. Chuck looked at me and whispered "she's FAT!" over and over again. I could tell he was not wanting to take her home and I guess if you had me alone and I could be honest, I didn't want to either. But how do you say that to a perfect stranger...yes, I drove 2 hours to get your dog but as soon as I took one look at her I knew she was too ugly to bring home....I think not! I'm a people pleaser and I just couldn't do it.

The whole way home I had 'buyers' remorse" except that she was free. I was thinking "oh Chuck is not going to like it when I tell him that I didn't want to bring her home either but didn't want to hurt a perfect strangers feelings so now we have to spend another $50 in gas to drive 4 hours round trip to return her". We got her home and she paced the entire evening. The next morning she took a dump on our dining room floor and we came to the realization that she was probably not potty trained as she was an outside dog. Crap!...literally! So, in an effort to train her, Chuck took her by her 'gift' and told her "no" and then put her outside. Let the house training begin. But then she got away from him and ran away. What? Seriously? At first she was close and we called and called her and she would come closer and then jet off as if to tease us. We were 'not in the mood' to say the least. We drove all over our little town for 3 hours, seperately. I even enlisted our amazing maillady to help. As I'm driving around all I can think of is that I'm going to have to tell her previous owner that we lost her dog in a matter of hours. Then the thoughts of "well, she is microchipped and the address related to the microchip is the one 2 hours away from us...and then we would not have to spend the time and $$ to return her to them" and at that I gave Chuck a high five and we smiled at that plan. After a while I pulled into our driveway to find Chuck and the kids and the maillady no less, chasing after this black smelling dog in our yard...oh my God it was the dog...it had ran thru a swamp and was filthy dirty and they were all calling her and she was playing with them again by not coming! I had it...the free ride home was gone and we were stuck with the dog again. Crap!...literally all over her! Ugh!!! I sound so insensative, don't get me wrong there was part of me that was glad she was home again and okay but at this point I was still majorly grieving and still at the point where I kinda wanted to kick her when I walked by her simply because she was NOT Grover. I know you might think less of me now...and no I don't make a habit of kicking dogs but I was going thru some heavy emotional issue and I'm pleased to say that I never kicked her and nor would I ever. Don't be hatin...just keeping it real. lol

So Chuck took her in and gave her a bath and a redneck haircut and boy did she look a million times better than she did even the night before when we picked her up. She didn't look so homely anymore...she was actually kinda cute. She was soft too. Little did I know she was begining to work on me and capture my heart just as Grover did.

During the next few days she began to follow me all around the house and I began to pet her more and more. After a while I kinda saw her as a "project". She was kept outside all her life and really did not understand what it meant to be loved. I showered her with love and little by little she began to come out of her shell. And little by little I began to fall more in love with her.

While she could not be more opposite of Grover...in fact we have not found one similarity yet!...she is majorly helping me to feel better and filling a void that only a week ago I was convinced would never be filled.

It's official...we love her and she loves us. She's a part of our family! So, everyone please say hello to our new family member...

Lexi

She only had the one accident in the house and I'm convinced she's trained in that respect. She literally does not know one single command though. I've been working with her on "shake" but alas nothing...I'm thinking it's true...you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. lol I think she's already lost some weight from being in a new place and not wanting to eat as much. Oh and the way she eats...lol..it's hilarious. Grover never chewed his food...he just swallowed it whole and it made a disgusting sounds going down his throat...but Lexi chews her food. She chews it so much that tons of it goes flying out of her mouth! The chunks that land on the floor are slimy. The other day there was a chunk almost like glued to the wall in the bathroom where her food dishes are. LOL!! It probably came flying out of her mouth, covered in so much goo that when it hit the wall...it STUCK! LOL!!!! It was hilarious...in a gross kind of way. Ha!

Each day Lexi comes more and more out of her shell and I love it! I made the mistake of giving her a belly rub and now she's a full fledged addict! She also talks...when I rub her temples and talk all sweet to her she just groans back in pure pleasure...it's so stinking cute! She does not shed near as much as Grover did and her fur is white so what I find is these little balls of fur that look like cotton balls around the house. Even that is cute. Yes, I'm head over heals in love with her and I'm so thankful to have found her. I wish all of you could meet her. So far everyone who has met her has fallen in love with her.

Well, I really need to get off this computer so Chuck can get back to apply for jobs again. He's applied for like 1,000 jobs...serious...and only has had one interview. I just keep reminding myself that God is our source.

Again, I'm trying to be more regular. And I don't mean fiber.

Goodbye Grover

The above photo was taken on Saturday. We kinda all knew it was going to be our last photo op with Grover. Sadly, we were right. Yesterday, Monday, we had to put Grover to sleep. *tears stream as I type*

I had no clue that it was going to hurt this badly. I knew I'd be in pain but seriously, never anticipated this much. Part of me is angry. Angry that a stupid ear infection could become so detrimental and end up taking my best friend away from me. I'm constantly wondering if we just hadn't let him swim while we were on vacation if that ear infection never would have developed and maybe he'd still be here trying to lick my toes and annoyingly following me around the house. Oh what I'd give right now just to scratch his neck. He loved to have his neck scratched really hard. He was continuously mistaken for a pervert of a dog b/c he always would bury his snout into your lap and due to his size and height he snout usually ended up right at the same level as one's "yoohoo" and they would get embarrassed and shew him away. But all he wanted was to rest his "beak" there and receive a good stratch on his neck. I mean a good one. An allergy suffers nightmare. The kind where you get your nails into it and collect a gob of the unseen dander that sends someone like me into hives. So every now and then I'd do it for me. And I'd then rush to the sink and wash my hands before my eyes would itch. I never got there in time. He was so misunderstood...poor guy!

Grover has been with "us" from the begining. It was always a dream of mine to have a Golden Retreiver and when I began dating Chuck and he found out, he said "well, then let's go get you one". I was convinced that I'd name him 'Spike' and that he would protect me as I lived alone in the city in a somewhat questionable neighborhood. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was not a 'Spike'. As we drove home, we saw a sign for "Forest Grove" street and I immediately knew his name would be Grover. It fit him.

He was like our first child. I literally took him everywhere with me. I bonded to him so quickly and so tightly.

He was an odd dog for sure. While he was a purebread Golden Retreiver he did not exhibit the typical features of a purebread Golden. His snout was longer than most...we called it his "beak" and his ears were also longer. Most Golden's weigh around 85 pounds and they are considered to be a larger medium sized dog. Grover always weighed 100 pounds and just had an all around bigger build than most Golden's. He was also more orangy redish color than the typical blonde color.

One of the many "odd" thing he would do was when we'd go to visit friends and bring him along he'd always find their bathroom and sit in their bath tub. We never understood why. Above is a picture of him sitting in our friends tub.

He had a knot on the top of his head. Just the bones of his skull coming together and it formed this knot and when he was a puppy someone told me that it was called a "smart bump" and if a dog had that it meant they were more intelligent than average. After spending 12 years with this dog, I'd have to disagree. Intelligence was not his strong suit. Sensativity was. Every single time I cried, he'd lick my tears away. Some would say that dogs love the saltiness of the tears but I firmly believe he was trying to take my sadness and pain away in the only way he could.

The above picture is of my very first house that I ever owned which is also the house that Grover came home to. It was a small house in the city and it had a very small pond in the backyard. Golden's are drawn to water and Grover was no different. He loves to sit in it and drink the nasty water.

Yes, I was one of those people who went thru the decorating craze of Forest Green & Cranberry and plaid no less. Shut it. :)

Sleeping in with Chuck...obviously before we had kids.

One of our many trips back and forth from Michigan to Oklahoma. And again before we had kids because Grover did not get any grey hair on his face until after the kids came. Coincidence? I think not...that's when my grey hairs came as well.

Again, at our old house when he was a puppy hanging out with our cat Barney who was declawed and would repeatedly pat Grover's beak with his paw when Grover tried to sniff him. It made a hollow sound and would would laugh so hard.

The above photo was taken in Michigan's Upper Pennisula back when the last time I remember having a figure was. Some of the best times in my life.

Yes, the dog loved to climb ladders. We used to take him to local parks to run and play and he would find a slide and climb up the stairs and slide down...I kid you not.

I'm betting that it was Kenzie who dressed Grover up today...

Logan definately took it the hardest yesterday for sure. At one point he said "I'm having a heart attack!" because his sweet little heart had never experienced that level of pain before. That killed me. He's coming up to me and crying throughout the day and telling me that he misses him. It's hard to be in such pain myself and watch my son go thru it as well.

We were sitting in the van with Grover gettting ready to pull out of the driveway to bring him in yesterday and we were still not sure what our next step would be. Do we leave him at the Vet's office or take him home and bury him? We let the kids decide. That's when Kenzie said she didn't want him "under the grass" but in our garage! Then Logan blurted out "He'll ROT in the garage!". At that point, I didn't know wheather to laugh or cry harder at the thought.

We opted to bring our puppy home and give him a proper burial in our backyard. We did not know that the Vet would tell us when we arrived that he would be brought home in a bag. Oh my, that did not sit well with me at all. But it is because after a body dies, the fluids leak out so the bag was for obvious reasons. That was a hard pill to swallow. Logan did not want to see Grover in a bag, neither did I! When they wheeled him out on a cart in a black bag with a ziptie on it, Logan fell to pieces and yelled "he's NOT trash!" and that took shattered my heart as I was having the same thoughts. The doctor and Chuck loaded him into our van and when I opened the door to see my sweet, furry doggie in a freaking bag I literally lost it. I wailed and cried and wailed and cried. It was too much for me to handle. As we were going down the road, Chuck had to stop as I was now sick to my stomach.

I'd give anything to kiss that cold wet nose again...

We took him home and burried him in our backyard. Chuck is convinced that it was the right decision as now he is still here with us. We made that decision with the kids in mind as now they can walk over and remember him whenever they want to. It's as special spot to think about Grover.

This was taken only a few days ago to be made into Thank You cards for Logan's birthday. His head is tilting b/c of the middle ear infection but it sure does look cute for the picture.

These are all photos that I collected and used to make a memory book all about Grover so we have something to look back on a smile about.

It's super hard to imagine life without this super hairy fellow around to pick up the crumbs off the floor. I don't even know how to begin. I have not put his food and water bowls up yet. I just can't. I did throw away his medicine as it just reminded me how sick he was. Man this sucks. It just sucks.

He LOVED the snow! He would go out and roll in it and eat it.

Grover received many "toenail therapy" sessions. The dog was amazingly healthy all his life except the 'golden toenails' as we affectionatly called them. He was always having issues with his toenails that in the begining cost us a pretty penny until we realized that what the vet was charging us $$ for we could do at home at a fraction of the cost. Only problem was that he would chew the bandages off until Chuck literally duct taped one of his old socks to him.

"Been Farmin Long?"

This picture was taken at our house in Oklahoma. It backed up to a cow pasture and Grover made a few friends there.

Grover loved opening his own Christmas gifts...

as evidenced above...

Look at those sweet "puppy dog eyes"...makes me want to give him whatever he wants!

He was always ready for a good party...

Grover was there when we got married as well as when we brought each of our three babies home.

I was convinced that he'd pass away on a 4th of July from a heart attack. He shook so violently when the fireworks would go off that you could see him shake from across the room!

But playing in the snow and going for a swim were definatley his favoriate things to do.

This is him taking his last swim this past summer. I think this is where the ear infection began and ultimately lead to his early departure from us.

Loved how he blended into my wood floor so well...

Grover, you were the most amazing dog that anyone could have ever asked for. I know those kids would sometimes try to 'ride' you and poke your eyes out and you never retaliated...you simply got up and walked away. You were my very best friend, always there for me and an amazing listener. Always ready to lick my tears away and make me smile. I'll never ever forget the day after you started to feel better that you were following me around the house like crazy until I finally sat down on the big poofy chair and you literally climbed up onto my lap with your front paws and laid your head upon my chest. I know you were telling me "thank you" for taking care of you and helping you to feel better. Buddy, it was my pleasure. I love you so much and I'll never ever forget you or your fuzzy bedroom slipper feet. I'm not sure how I'll continue going on my walks now without you. It was "our thing". I loved walking behind you and watching you "trot". You had such a cute perky little gallop...like a Clidesdale horse. My heart aches so much right now because I miss you so much. It's a pain that feels like it will never leave but I know better than that. I had no idea how much of my heart you took with you until now. You were more than a just a dog to me and words to not do my heart justice right now.

I love you Grover! And I miss you more than I could imagine possible.

An Update on the Update...

Okay so after I typed my last post, I ended up taking Grover to the vet one more time b/c I seriously thought it was "the end". Turns out this time we saw the actual vetrinarian and she took one look at him and said he has a "middle ear infection" and ALL of the signs and symptoms that I was noticing from him were related to this middle ear infection...it effects their central nervous system which causes the falling etc. Oh my...again I cried happy tears!! So after a total of 2 visits and 4 medications and $170...Grover is totally back to being himself and he's EATING again and I've never been sooo happy!!!

Also, going back into the archives here...I tried my hand at sewing something other than curtains and decided to make Kenzie's Halloween costume. She's going to be Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. I couldn't beleive how easy it was and how quickly it came together. It's basically a glorified apron! The only thing I had to buy were the Ruby Slippers. Yay!



And finally the unveiling of the dreaded "pillar project". The first 2 weeks Chuck was off work were spent on getting this project done! I can't believe the difference it made and I'm soooo pleased with how it all turned out! Take a peak:

Now I'm off to making some phone calls and hoping that today is a much better day than yesterday was. Yesterday was rough. But today is Logan's birthday so nothing else matters but showing him how very special and loved he is!

Whoa it's dusty in here...

Don't fall over backwards and hurt yourself or anything...no, your eyes do not lie to you...tis true...I'm finally updating this blog that has been sitting here untouched for 45 days...someone get out the Pledge and dust this thing off...lemon scented please!

Okay, for real, it's really me...I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I'm still alive. I'd say I was busy and while that is true, it's not the only reason I've been so absent. We've only got 1 computer that works good anyway, and most days that is debatable too, and with Chuck home and his primary role to be job searching the one with the biggest priority wins. So, not much computer time for me. But I figured it was time to update anyone who still remembers me or cares anyway. :)

What's up with us? Well, Chuck has not had any luck at.all. at finding a job. His search has been nationwide and still nothing. We are pretty sure the fact that he does not have a college degree is what is hurting him. While I do believe there is tons of value in having a college education, I don't think that all these employers should be up'ing their standards in the midst of an economic crisis either!! Seriously, EVERYONE is wanting you to have a degree all of a sudden to get a job! Oh well, another topic for another day perhaps. This current situation has led us to think outside the box. When God originally called us back to Michigan 5 years ago, we felt very strongly that He had spoken to us about a few specific things. One was that we were to assist and help our Pastor and another was that Chuck would be starting a business for himself. Well, lots of things have happened over the past 5 years...some fantastic things and some not so great things...I'm trying to keep it positive...it has been some of the hardest years of our lives but great things came from them also, much growth in many areas and a little girl named Gabriella to name a few. We look back and see that God had His hand on us thru it all, although I could have sworn that He'd left us at a few points in that time...lol...He never did. We've finally come to the point where we beleive it's time for Chuck to start his own business. Am I scared? Oh yes, but I also have to believe in my husband and his many abilities and trust that God has everything worked out for us....ultimately trusting Him with it all.

We've had a name for our company for a while now, the DBA and the Federal Tax ID# and frankly with the economy being what it is we really feel this is the right choice for the time being. We fully realize that being a business owner isn't all roses and rainbows either but at this point there is no other alternative. We had a substantial savings account for just this time in our lives...i.e. the infamous "emergency savings" that Mr. Dave Ramsey speaks about but when you live FULLY and COMPLETELY out of your savings account...it doesn't quite last that long. We had always assumed that unemployment would play a role in our emergency savings also but such is not the case, not yet anyway. They automatically denied us enemployment right off the bat and we filed a subsequent redetermination or appeal and are still waiting to hear back on that. If that goes thru, I'll be breathing a huge sigh of relief, let me tell you.

Maybe this is the right time to interject and say that if you don't have an emergency savings fund that takes care of your families needs for atleast 1 year, you really need to think about starting one and contributing to it until it's full. There really are very few jobs out there and if don't want to loose your home, then you need to be prepared!! I always thought we were but in reality we were only about 5 months prepared and we had quite a bit of money saved up too. So that is my word of advice to anyone reading this today.

So, I'm excited! Tomorrow is a new day and Superior System Solutions will finally become a reality. If you think about us, please pray for work to come our way. :)

On another front, we really focused on getting the front of our house completed before the cold weather hit...and it HAS hit. Today was only 34 degrees here in this part of Michigan. We didn't really get much of a summer this year OR a fall. I'm kinda angry about it too. Ha! So we did kick it into high gear and got our project finished and let me tell you, it looks nice and really transformed the front of our house!! I'm so pleased with the results!!!!

And my last bit of news to share is not so great. Those of you on Facebook, which is most of you anyway, probably already heard that our 13 year old Golden Retreiver, a.k.a. Grover is not doing well. I fully realize that he's lived a long great life and you really can't count on many years beyond 13 anyway but he really went downhill like overnight and just getting myself used to the idea of loosing him is somewhat overwhelming to me. A few weeks ago, we kinda noticed that he was much easier to loose his balance and at times, even fall completely down for what seems to be no reason at all. I just chaulked it up to old age and the fact that Golden's are prone to hip issues. But he was still the same ole hyper, almost puppy like, Grover. Then about a week or so ago I noticed that he was suddenly lopsided. He was constantly tilting his head to the left, no matter what. Then when he'd walk...it was like he was being pulled to the left also. Then his back end would hit things as he walked or ran. Then the falling started happening more often. He probably falls down about 3-5 times a day. When he tries to go up or down the steps he'll loose his balance and slip down 3-4 steps. That scares me. Well, when he stopped eating, I got really scared. Keep in mind that we are living on our savings account and we are spending nothing extra and even keeping our gas on a tight budget. I was afraid to ask Chuck if we could spend money on taking Grover to the vet, I thought he'd think I was nuts in light of our current "situation". Then one day Chuck looked at me and told me to make an appointment. I knew it was bad. I told the vet the things I had been noticing and she immediately thought of an ear infection to explain the lopsidedness. When she looked in his ears and saw that one side was very infected I cried tears of joy!! But then she followed up with the fact that Golden's are known for their 'never missing a meal' and I can attest to that...in 13 years, Grover has never missed a meal. I dump the food in his dish and he's waiting the background for me to move out of the way she he can inhale it...serioulsy 90% of the time he does not even chew it but rather swallows it WHOLE! For him to leave food in his dish at all is definatley not his norm. She was quite concerned about the not eating issue and the fact that he'd lost 7 pounds in a week or 2. I was hoping that maybe his ear was bothering his so badly that he'd lost his appetite but she did not think even that would stop a Golden from eating. So we came home with ear cleaning drops and ear medicine drops and we are on day 4 of him getting the medicine. He has not eaten in almost 3 days and I'm so stinking worried that this might just be "it" for him. Today he was sniffing around the table while we were eating lunch and he was begging for food. Just being so excited that he was showing the signs of having an appetite made me willingly give him 1/2 of my chicken breast. He inhaled it. We all gave him our scraps since we were so happy to see him hungry. I'm going to try buying him soft food next. She did check his teeth and said they looked fine but I'm still wondering if he's got a bum tooth or something b/c he is clearly hungry but won't touch his food. At this point, I'm just trying to spoil him and spend a ton of time cuddling him and telling him how much I love him. I'm no dummy, he's 13 years old, and not getting any younger. I had no idea it was going to hurt this badly or leave this kind of a void. I really didn't. I knew it'd hurt but not like this. I can't stop thinking about how much a part of this family he is. He's been with us from the very begining. I had wanted a Golden Retreiver all my life and when Chuck and I were dating...one day Chuck just said "then let's get you one!" and the next day we got Grover. Chuck paid for all of his shots, leash, collar, cage, toys, food, vet bills and everything. He made me feel so safe and not alone living in a house all by myself in the middle of the city. Seriously, I took that dog EVERYWHERE...he was like my child to the point where I'm almost embarrassed about it now. LOL! After Chuck and I were engaged, he bought me a Ford Explorer...they were cool at the time!...just so Grover could ride in the back of it. It was "our first car" together. Grover was in our wedding pictures, he moved to Oklahoma with us and experienced everything we experienced there (the absolute best times in our lives) and was home when we brought all three babies home, he moved back to Michigan with us and he's just a part of our family. Logan said the other day that he was like a brother to him. So sweet! We are a golden retreiver family! Now, the hair that dog sheds is horrid. And I'm super allergic to it so we won't be getting another Golden for that reason which makes this all the more hard as I've always said that the only way I'd get thru loosing Grover is to get another Golden Retreiver puppy, name him Grover and pretend he shrunk! Ha!

So, I don't know what the next few months holds for us in the least bit but I do know that God has given us promises in His Word and that we'll be fine for that reason alone. Christmas will look a lot different for us but in many ways I'm actually excited about NOT being distracted with having to buy a ton of gifts or do this or that. I have enough beautiful decorations already that I don't need to be buying more. My kids have so much already and we are just one very blessed family regardless of money that I think this could be one of the very best Christmas's yet...completely undistracted.

I'll try to be a more consistant blogger but I can't make any promises...life is just so weird and new to us right now that we are taking everything one day at a time. I sure do miss each and every one of you though!

Update

I know it’s been a while and some of you were actually worried about me…it’s becoming my “norm” to only post every couple weeks now and I’m afraid that it’s not going to get any better soon. In the next couple weeks we will start homeschooling and while I am looking so forward to it, I know it will be time consuming. I’ve decided to have no expectations. I’m going to turn the phone and computer off so I’ll have no distractions and meals will be simple for the first few weeks so that I can focus and get a routine down. Honestly after my routine is established, I’m expecting things to be easier than they are now. Not that I’m complaining but summers can be a ton of work! There are so many kids in our neighborhood and while they are now getting along fabulously these days…they still travel in packs. There’s the girl pack and the boy pack. At any given time I can have up to 15 kids playing at my house. That can be stressful but on the other hand they do play at the other homes as well. The stressful part about that is me wondering if they are still there and if Ella is keeping up etc. You know that “it’s TOO quiet” feeling. Ha! So, I join the other mother’s who say they can’t wait for that yellow school bus to show up again but I’m saying it for much different reasons…so that I can have my kids to myself again! LOL!!

The main reason I’ve been scare on here is b/c now that Chuck is home all day he’s also been needing to use MY COMPUTER…oh the nerve of him…LOL!! Kidding!! He has always had a work laptop and therefore we’ve had our own computers…no sharing needed. Now…he’s cramping my style! I always used to leave the computer on at the built in desk in our kitchen and when I’d walk by it I’d hit refresh and check e-mail, news or whatever. Now, I’m lucky to squeeze in 10 minutes a day! So, I’ve been focusing on Facebook b/c I can write a quick status updates and read the quick comments and others status…quick. So…that’s where I’ve been…Facebook.

Having Chuck home has been wonderful!! The first week, we totally took turns sleeping in and it was soooo nice! I think we are actually getting caught up on sleep again…hooray!! Due to the fact that we have no income these days I’ve been forcing myself to do a few things that are not my “norm”. One of those is cooking. I hate the kitchen and the kitchen hates me. It’s mutual. But I’ve been buckling down and actually planning out meals each week and finding ways to use everything and make things last longer. It’s been a great challenge that I’m actually enjoying some. I do not enjoy the fact that I’m in the kitchen so much these days but the satisfaction from not eating out and using all our leftovers is quite rewarding as this is something I’ve been striving for for a while now. I am wondering if we’ll loose weight just from cutting out fast food…oh I hope so!

He’s also been working on the pillars!!! Yay!!! And is almost done!! I can’t wait to show you all the before and after pictures!!

We are taking this time and seeing it as a gift from God. Things were so much in fast forward when he was working and now we are enjoying the simple things in life like just being together and being home. We are taking a walk just about each night and enjoying stopping to talk to our neighbors and play with the kids just b/c we can. There is no where to be tomorrow. I’m telling ya, this husband having a job thing is really overrated!! LOL!! So I’m using this time to try and get some things that I’ve been struggling with into action and making routines out of them. I’m succeeding in the kitchen which means we are not eating out, thus saving money and eating healthier. I’m trying new recipes and making things healthier and using stuff from our garden. I’m currently in the process of compiling a system to keep my recipes and in order, printed and easily able to plan a week’s worth of meals and compile the grocery list. If it works I’ll share it with you. Another thing that I had always been struggling with is my devotions and it was actually before Chuck stopped working that I’d gotten a routine down with that. I got a devotional book by Beth Moore (love her!) that I absolutely LOVE. I love her style and they way she writes really speaks to me. I find that the kind of devotional that requires me to ‘write’ in is the kind I need. I’m really enjoying my morning coffee on my deck with the sun coming up and the birds tweeting and my Bible. It’s awesome to finally have a plan in this area.

Now exercise. My nemesis! We love the YMCA (in fact I’m here right now…should be exercising but instead I’m typing to you~!) but due to the loss of income we are canceling our membership…it was a luxury that we hope to pick back up once things stabilize again. So we are enjoying our last month here the best we can. It’s been my plan to walk 3 miles every morning but for whatever reason I can’t seem to get myself out there to do it!! Ugh…I can’t tell you how frustrated that makes me. I KNOW I would LOVE it. I LOVE to walk, sing worship w/ my MP3 player out of the country roads and have some dialogue with God but for some reason I just can’t get myself to do it. It’s my goal this week to start. Wish me luck!!

In the beginning of the year this year I felt strongly impressed to just think about the word “SIMPLIFY” and try and find ways that I could simply my life. I felt that God was calling me to do that for myself and my family. I’ve been working on that ever since. I’ve decided that we no longer need so much stuff. Birthday parties don’t have to be so elaborate. I don’t always need to be on a quest for this or that. Stop looking for projects to do and just live and enjoy life. I was doing a good job with my assignment but I’ll tell ya when you go thru a major life change such as what we’ve just embarked upon…you really realize what’s important in life and what can just go. I’m thankful for this time and I’m convinced that we will always look back upon this time in our lives and be thankful to God for the situation, the opportunity and for His provision for our family.

I can’t tell you how excited I am that we took this leap of faith. We were stuck in that job. A job where Chuck was gone all the time, I was exhausted and he was dealing with anxiety. But we had no idea how to get out. To stop the madness. I do not believe that God brought such a horrible experience to us that forced us to get off the rat race. I believe that He is bigger than that. If anything He was more than likely wanting us to be done with that company a long time ago and out of fear we couldn’t do it. Who quits a good paying job in THIS economy!? But it was exactly what we needed to do. To trust Him in everything we do…He’s big enough to provide for our family. He’s big enough to give my husband a job that works well for our family. He really is.

Now I feel like the opportunities are endless for Chuck. He can be (somewhat) picky about what job he takes. When I say that I’m talking about how much (if any) travel is required and what kind of workload is involved. He has an extensive background and has had many opportunities in his career life. Chuck has always been an entrepreneur at heart and it’s been me that has been stopping him from just starting his own company…I don’t like the unpredictability of it all. But the agreement we’ve come to is that he’ll work both options right now and we are confident that we will both have peace one way or another when an opportunity avails itself. Right now he’s applying for jobs anywhere. A few in Virginia and that sounds very appealing to me. Unfortunately he’s also applied for a couple in Arkansas too and that doesn’t sound all that great to me. Only God knows how this will work out and what will happen and frankly I’m enjoying the journey and the excitement of it all. The only places I won’t go are places where snakes are rampant and the humidity is extreme. No thank you.

Well, I know this was choppy and didn’t flow all that well, I just mainly wanted to take the opportunity to say ‘hello’ and tell you that we are doing good..better than good…awesome! Please don’t worry about us, financially we are fine and we honestly could not be better! I’ll check in when I can and try to keep keeping up with everyone even though my comments might be scarce.

A Heavy Heart.

I so can't even believe what this week has brought to us. I'm still in utter disbelief and shock to say the least. Our life has changed immensly. Some may be upset to hear about this on my blog before hearing it from me in person and for that I apologize. Writing is incredibly theraputic for me and as I sit here upset, confused, and even a tad bit excited...I knew nothing else to do other than pray (which I've already done) and write on my blog. I'm writing this for me. Not so that you have pity on us. I want nobody's pity. I'm writing to try and purge some of my overwhelming emotion right now.

To begin with, my husband's job, while it has provided a nice income for our family and allowed us to enjoy many of life's monetary pleasures...it has also literally almost torn our family apart. While that company has physically taken my husband away from his family on many occasions due to excessive travel, it had also stolen him from us emotionally due to extreme stress and anxiety...and we just about lost him. A man has a drive in him to succeed, to provide for his family, to please those he loves and serves. Chuck worked so very hard to find that balance. At home he dealt with a wife who was stressed out trying to take care of the home and 3 children on her own and a 7 year old boy who cried buckets of tears each and every single time he had to leave on a work trip. At work he was met with constant pressure, deadlines and critique. The stress was so severe that I know that man literally felt torn in half. I saw physical and personal changes in him that could only have been brought on by intense frusteration and stress.

I realize that one obvious solution would be to quit a job like this before it could get the best of you but my husband is not a quitter. He was bound and determined to find a Godly balance in it all. He literally asked me for permission to continue and we gave it a deadline. I understand his drive, determination and perservearance and in the past 6 months I started to begin to see my husband come back to us emotionally. He was making headway in the pursuit for balance and we were all hopeful. Except at work, it seemed that just as he'd get ahead someone would come up with some pity little issue that would get exaggerated into something bigger. He was always chasing those exaggerations and could not get ahead. It didn't seem that the other Project Managers were being beraded with these exaggerated lies except him.

For the record, Chuck has looked over and over again for other jobs in his feild and unfortunately his line of work simply requires travel and it didnt' make sense in this economy to leave one job for another one if the travel requirements were the same anyway.

It became ubundantly clear to us at the begining of this week exactly what was going on at his work. There is a man, and because I do have integrity...I will refrain from making his name public and we'll call him "man who's parent's never disciplined him...obviously". (see even in the midst of this I still have a sense of humor). "Man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" is a grown adult with a family of his own of whom I'm convinced is either beaten by his wife at home or beats his wife at home. He has an 'ego' the size of Japan. You don't touch his ego in the form of disagreeing with him...everyone knows that. It's easier if you just hide your character and integrity and agree with him otherwise you might just regret it later. "Man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" loves to have adult temper tantrums at the office. If something does not go his way...he will stomp his feets and yell and scream until he gets his way. Much like my 3 year old actually. He shows these displays anywhere he darn well pleases...in his office, during meetings and a recent one would be in my husband's cubicle and in his face no less. You see there have been a few times when my husband has dared to go 'head to head' with his man in meetings b/c his character would not allow him to simply back down. This did not go over well with "man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" and has been on a fast track to set Chuck up and get him fired for some time now. This explains a lot to us as to why Chuck would always take 2 steps forward and then be forced to take 5 steps backward as far as his work was. He could not get ahead because "man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" would always bring new obstacles in the form of changing things in turn making them take 5 times longer than they should and for a man with the workload of 3 people, this makes life extremely difficult. We believe his first tactic was to try and wear him down and get him to quit. Again, my husband is no quitter. Unfortunately he is still one of the few real men left in this world that believes in people and that good old fashioned hard work and integrity will get you places and speak for itself. This is not true. The truth is that there are too many weasels out there who even if they have integrity they loose it when they fail to demonstrate it when the going gets tough.

A string of lies have been told and pressue has been put on key people by "man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" for Chuck to be fired. Honestly, it's hard for me to even type those words right now. For those of you who know my husband personally, you know that he is the most honest, upright man on the face of the Earth and to think that someone like him would actually be "fired" is insane. "Man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" is only 3 down from the actual president of the company and he is collegues with one of Chuck's bosses. He has 'pull' from his position alone and from his acts of intimidation. While Chuck's bosses have actually admitted to him that these charges brought against him are indeed lies and exaggerated truths, they too are afraid of "man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously" and at the end of the day...they simply want to be able to feed their familes too. They stood by Chuck's side this entire battle but unfortunately succcumbed to the pressure on the final day and I'm sure they squirrmed when they had to deliver the information to Chuck. How can a man look an innocent man in the face with lies and not be ashamed?

Chuck knew today that if they asked him the status of all of the literal millinos of dollars in projects that he is managing at the moment what that really meant. They did ask. They realize the key role he has and they dont' want to be left high and dry wondering where he is at on these high profile and high dollar projects. It was inevitable. If he answered, then as soon as they got their 'goods' the firing would be next. Instead my husband resigned today...with dignity. They will have full access to his records and computer files and it will be up to them to put together the peices of the puzzle. We owe then nothing.

I'm devistated to say the least. I know first hand the dedication, determination and great integrity that my husband put into that company and the pride in which he did his job with...inspite of the "man who's parents never disciplined him…obviously". To be treated this way is indeed a travesty but also a sign of the times. In some ways I'm surprised and in some ways I'm not.

What's next? I have no idea. The mixed emotions I'm feeling right now are almost making me nausiated. I'm estatic that I will no longer be playing the role of "single mother". I could throw a flipping party just for that reason! Now, I have gotten pretty darn good at that role let me tell you. Yes, I still needed/desired a break every now and then but I also found a groove and in some ways it was simplier. My groove allowed me to keep the house organized, cleaned, laundry done, still had time to play with the kids and enjoy life. It was quite nice. The problem is that I'm NOT a single mother. I have a husband and during the few times in which he was actually home...it was odd. It was like he didn't fit in the picture. I slept so much better w/o his snoring or hogging the bed. I didnt' have to consult him in simple decisions with the kids. We could have cereal for dinner and it was no big deal. This is not how I want to live my life. I am married and I want to be married and I'm excited to have my husband home again!

The fact that our lives are free from this kind of stress makes trying to live with limited income seem like no big deal. Seriously. Besides all of that, I have a Heavenly Father who has promised to take care of me. Our source has always been Him and not a job anyway. Incase I've gotten used to relying on that paycheck, I now have the opportunity to grow my faith once again and watch my God come thru and provide for my families needs supernaturally just as He promised in the Bible. This is a true honor.

If my God is my provider then why am I upset? Because I am still human and I'm not sure I'll ever get over and be 'ok' with other human beings who outrightly choose to bully, lie and basically steal from me. I too like to believe that every person has a good heart and would not literally choose to hurt another and when situations like these present themselves it tends to be devistating. Still I refuse to become jaded.

Where will we go from here? I'll tell you one thing. Just because we have character and integrity does NOT mean that we lie down and allow bad people to hurt us. We are considering a 'personal protection order' against this man for one. I'm also considering writing a letter to him personally and including a picture of our children so he can see who he was really trying to "take down". I'm not sure exactly what I will do and not do yet b/c I choose to not make decisions when I'm angry and right now I'm furious.

So tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities and fankly I'm excited. Excited for what lies ahead. Will we move to another state for a job opportunity? I find that exciting even though probably in the past 3 or 4 months I've actually (cant' believe I'm even saying this) started to enjoy being here in Michigan. But again being away from certain situations will only help us anwyay...i.e. family. The future is exciting again.

There is actually a huge sense of relief today and I trust that is God's peace upon us.

And now he will actually have TIME to FINISH THE PILLARS!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!